It's my first real holiday in 3 years so let's try to make the most of it, including the flight itself. The trouble is, long distance flights are essentially metal tubes of boredom attached to a set of engines. It's like a bomber with all the fun stripped from it, no paratroopers or high explosive payloads.
I could spice the flight up a bit. Nothing too disrupting that'll result in being tackled by air police and thrown into a brig. Something like:
I could spice the flight up a bit. Nothing too disrupting that'll result in being tackled by air police and thrown into a brig. Something like:
1) Do a William Shatner: this works best at night time, which happens to be when we're flying. I just need to act as paranoid and terrified as possible, that'll get the hostess' attention as well as scare/annoy the hell out of everyone. Actually, come to think of it Shatner did get tackled at the end.
2) Do the brace position for no reason: if there's one way to describe most people, it's that they're lemmings. I can recall something about a guy who waited in a queue because other people were doing it. It turned out the queue was started by someone purely to test if people would act this way. Put yourself in the brace position and before long it'll catch on like the flu. 10 minutes into the panic, raise your head and ask if anyone has a paracetamol.
3) Read a book about the war on terrorism: it's all fine to read books on topics like the occupation of Iraq or the nature of Sadam Hussein's goverment, but it's amazing how touchy and apprehensive some people become at the sight of this, much like how some people assume the worst when a brown skinned dude comes on board. So before I depart I'll be sure to get myself such a book and position myself on an edge seat...so I can go to the bathroom easily.
4) Burp loudly: okay let's get this straight, burping is for when you've enjoyed a meal which is why I've never done it while flying. I remember the times I'm eating at a friend's house and have to remind myself that in white western families, it's often polite to say "excuse me" after letting out a satisfying bit of wind. Imagine the kind of chaos that ensues with a bunch of strangers in an enclosed cabin. Now I just need to train myself to control and regulate my own gas expulsion.
5) Play a made up game: think of something weird with convoluted rules, like Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock Chess or Fizbin and play it through to while away the hours. As a bonus. if you're lucky some guy sitting nearby will be peering over his newspaper wondering just what the hell this game is.
6) Act like an annoying Texan: this works best if you're white and have the right body shape, like the Rich Texan from the Simpsons. Whip off some irritating "Texan" metaphors in that accent while wearing a big hat. On an 11 hour flight, people will want to strangle you. Too bad it's not a bomber, otherwise you can ride a bomb like a rodeo cowboy.
7) Discuss mortality: have a lively(?) philosophical debate with your chum about death and the afterlife. Bound to unnerve a few folk.
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